Lonely

I had my first moment of fragility today (not counting the post-birth hospital stay, which was full of them).
Nadine, my 24 hour maternity nurse who has been with me since my girls were five days old, finished her contract this afternoon, got in her car, and drove away.
I am so very sad to see her go. She has done such a wonderful job. My babies, thanks to her non Gina Fordish routine, now sleep from 8pm to 4am, wake for a short feed, and then go back down again until 7am. I think that is fairly miraculous. They also nap throughout the day, at set times. (And babble, though that has nothing to do with her.)
But most of all she has been very good company. There was someone in the house with me at all times. Another adult. We played with the children together, went to the shops together, went to baby yoga and baby massage and baby film showings together. And now there is just me.
When she drove off I felt suddenly sad. She is leaving London for France to start a new life with her husband and suddenly I felt sad that I wasn't going to meet my partner to start a life, where together we would plan children.
I need hardly add that I do not regret anything, that I love and adore my babies, and I am entirely happy that they are here.
But I felt sad. I felt lonely. I danced around the living room holding Twin Two (who was shrieking) and I suddenly realised I wanted to cry.
I didn't though. And then a woman and her little girl came round, and after that my dad visited, and I didn't feel lonely anymore.
I think it sudenly for the first time hit me: what it means to be a single mother. A mother with no adult company. A mother who has no one coming home every evening. Sometimes I feel sad that my life ended up without a partner, when I am a loving person, and would love to be in a relationship.

My father said something nice tonight. He said: "Those girls are lucky to have you. You are an excellent mother." I think he meant it, and I was very grateful.